Guest Post: Why All The Drama Momma?

My friend Laura was brave and honest enough to share her experience with the Mommy Wars with us. Laura has two precious little boys and writes her own blog, Not So Average Momma. She also writes for Fredericksburg Parent & Family. You can follow the goings on of her writings and wonderful little family on her Facebook page.

Here's what she had to say about her experience with the Mommy Wars:

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You know that look you get from other moms when your two year old won’t cooperate and throws a tantrum, your three month old is crying because he wants to nurse, and all you want to do is get the heck out of the grocery store but you can’t because you’d like to have food to put on the table at dinner time?  You know the look that says “Wow, she doesn’t have it together.” 

I hate it when I get that look and the more I get that look the more I wonder if they are right, if I really don’t have it all together. 

When I first became a mother I didn’t plan on raising my son the way that my husband and I are doing it now.  I planned on raising my child the way that everyone else did- you know just going with the mainstream.  Once I had my son I realized that wasn’t the way I wanted to do things.  My husband and I did some research and found Attachment Parenting.  To us, it was the most natural way to parent and life was blissful. 

As I researched more and learned more I felt like I needed to share what I had learned.  I felt like we were doing all of the right things as parents. Why weren’t all mothers wearing their babies or breastfeeding them?  Why weren’t they practicing gentle parenting and allowing the children to play and get messy and have fun the way that I did?  I was becoming a “drama momma” and I probably gave some not-so-nice looks to those mothers with whom I disagreed.

While I didn’t just walk up to random people on the street, I did think that (according to my standard) these parents were not parenting correctly. I wanted to help them see the light and enhance their lives by doing things the way that I thought was best.  At the time, I honestly thought that what I was doing was helping. Wow, really?  What I was doing was actually just the opposite. Even though I didn’t say anything to the mothers that I encountered, the looks I am sure I gave them were nothing but harmful. 

Unbeknownst to me, I had become a “drama momma.”

Around the time of my son’s first birthday, God really helped me to see how judgmental I had become. I had never considered myself to be a mean person just an “informed” parent.   I, like many other “drama mommas,” thought that because I had the facts I should be free to critique other mother’s decisions.  There truly is not one right way to be a parent.  I now recognize and appreciate that we are all different and that we all are doing what we think is best for our children.

In June of 2012 I wrote a post titled Tough Business about how moms allow our differences to divide us.  I think that rather than believing every woman is doing what they think is best for their child/ren we feel the need to interject and make her question her choices. 

I try to remember to give a friendly smile or wave when I see other mothers struggling to just get through their day.  Maybe there is a mom chasing her five-year-old through the park, or a mom who has stopped to feed her baby in the middle of the grocery store.  That small smile can give her the validation she needs that she is doing a great job as a mom. I know that the kindness of other mothers has helped me to get through my errands with two crazy kids in tow and I want to continue to pass on the positivity. 

What about you?  Are you guilty of being a “drama momma?”  Have you experienced judgment from other mothers?  I’d love to hear some of your experiences! 

The Treaty of The Nursery

Today, I would like to invite you to sign The Treaty of The Nursery with me. There's a war being waged in our homes, on our computers, in our malls, and at our parks. It has infiltrated our schools, our churches, and our book clubs, and it is high time we put a stop to it.

Today, I invite you to put down the boxing gloves, raise the white flag, and end the Mommy Wars.

Image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone seems to have said something about the Mommy Wars, but it seems like no one offers an explanation. Let me take a second to offer what I think the root of the problem really is: insecurity. Before you even pee on a stick, a new mom is bombarded with "experts" giving their advice on the best way to raise a child. Heaven forbid you disagree and you're slammed with all sorts of labels from "uneducated" all the way to "cruel" and "abusive". This is where it all starts. This is where the Mommy Wars seed is planted.

Here you are a new mom, filled with hormones and fears, and you have people telling you that you're a bad mom for the choices you've made, simply because you disagree with them. Now, you doubt yourself. Maybe I shouldn't breastfeed in public... Maybe formula really is toxic... Maybe we shouldn't have had him circumcised .. Maybe the vaccines really are a bad idea... I should babywear more... I need to buy all organic diapers and get rid of these ones... I shouldn't go back to work... I need to work more...

It's a crazy spiral of self-doubt and it starts with the first dirty look from a stranger or a friend telling you that they would "never do that to their children" and it's all downhill from there.

But wait! How does that lead to the Mommy Wars? It's simple. Poor, defeated, hormone-and-fear-filled, sleep-deprived momma has to find some way to justify her actions so that she can keep going. So she jumps on the internet or goes to the library and does all sorts of reading. Now she's armed with the 'facts' about how her way is right and everyone else is so very wrong. Now, she gets to go an educate the next mom about how she's doing things wrong.

Here is the crux of the Mommy Wars: One hormone-and-fear-filled momma who is broken down and beat up starts to beat up on the next sleep-deprived momma so that Momma #1 feels a little bit better about her choices. Momma #2 now goes through the same spiral and takes the place of Momma #1 the next time around.

We have created a mom-culture that is built upon tearing each other down so that we can feel a little bit more confident that we know what we're doing and it's time we stop this nonsense.

No woman on this planet really knows what she's doing when it comes to raising her children. We are all just making our best guess and trying to make it through the day. No one on Earth can tell you how to raise your children, because they just guessed their way through it themselves. Whether you're on your first baby or your fiftieth, there's always something new to learn, some new way to do things, and here's the real secret: It's okay.

It's okay to raise your children differently than Mrs. Jones raises hers. In fact, you should do things differently. You are the perfect mother for your children, just because you are their mother! You will make mistakes. You will screw up. You will have moments when you just want to cry and moments when you feel like you are the World's Best Mom. But in the end, you are just what your family needs.

So here is The Treaty of The Nursery: 

I promise that I will be the best mom I can to my children. I promise that I will be there for you and help you and support you so that you can be the best mom you can as well. I don't promise to agree with you, but I promise that I will still love and support you as a fellow mom even if you do things very differently than I do. I promise to cheer you on when it's been a rough day. I promise to let you cry and eat all of my ice cream when you get overwhelmed. I also promise to laugh with you at the silly things your toddler says. I will watch with bated breath as you show me video of their first steps and will sit in the parking lot with you and cry as they go off to Kindergarten.

We are Moms and we deserve the love and support of our sisters as we journey on this most excellent adventure together. Will you join me in pursuit of peace and leave the Mommy Wars behind you?